Interpreting Music

Wow, with the previous two posts out of the way, I just feel like doing that has started to lift the plague from my person. If writing these things could lift even a little of all the nonsense that has burdened me for so long, then it is totally worth it. Moving away from that, and onto more weight-lifting, I've found that music helps me unwind a lot more recently. "If music be the food of love, play on" is what Shakespeare said, and for the most part I'd like to agree. Only, I don't play any music instruments -- it would be really, really bad performance -- so I listen instead. 
So many titles to choose from across so many genres (except for rap, gospel, country and jazz - I don't like those) and I wind up searching for the more "bouncy" ones. Meh, they make me happy. They make me smile and laugh, because that's what a song with a bouncy rhythm does, for me at least. One such song would be this: 

"Men In Love" by The Gossip

Shame, shame, shame
Ooooh I, I, I, I, shame, shame, shame

I haven't felt this way
Since I was seventeen
You know what I mean
Guilty of love in the first degree
Baby
Dance
Like there's nobody looking
Slide
Like you're coming my way
Shake
Like you know what you're doing
We're out all night
And sleep all day

Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men In love, with each other
Hey
Re Intro
Shame, shame, shame
Ooooh I, I, I, I, shame, shame, shame

I can't remember having so much fun
When morning comes
Everybody's waking up with someone
On the run
Dance
Like there's nobody looking
Slide
Like you're coming my way
Shake
Like you know what you're doing
We're out all night
And sleep all day

Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love, with each other
Hey

Since the beginning of time
Put your hand in mine
Come along and you'll find
It's the perfect crime
Ohh Ohh Ohh Ohh

Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love, with each other

Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love
Na, na, na, na
Men in love, with each other 


There are many songs that have ties to LGBT related things. It's only recently that I've even started my own collection of, what I would rather call, "Pride music." It's not really OUT THERE, but gives you that hint of what's meant by the lyrics. Okay, it may just be me that likes looking for the 'hidden message' behind lyrics, but I'm fairly certain that anyone is allowed to interpret songs the way they want. So, I can see two messages from "Men in love," the first being that it's a gay themed song. I mean - Obviously! MEN in LOVE. You cannot tell me that you didn't read into it that way. The other message being that of a stance on peace and love for human beings. You love your brothers, your father, uncles and your grandfathers. How is this any different? Interpersonal love - it's that love for someone without going "all the way."

So, right ... just wish some people would stop bitching about songs like this. Don't like the message? Don't read it. Simple.

Prejudiced? Pfft... Move along.

Okay then. It should be pretty obvious from the previous post why this would be the second. It just friggin' irks me that some countries still have an issue with homosexuality and all the other minorities that do not fit into what they perceive as 'normal'. Seriously, what the hell is your 'Normal'?

These days not even companies can support LGBT rights for a couple of close-minded bigots that would rise to protest that particular movement. Yesterday, Anti-gay Russian activists sued poor old Madge (Madonna) because she "hurt their feelings" when she spoke out for gay rights at a concert. It caused these activists "moral suffering." Before that there was that huge controversy around Lady Gaga as well for speaking out for gay rights and equality, she was denied entry into a country for the many contributions toward LGBT equality. For HELPING people. Whereas these Christian pundits would rather bash and discriminate. Disturbingly sickening.

Honestly, Christianity offers nothing unique to the religious table. Take Apollo (yes, a Greek/Roman god) for example – his priests performed ‘baptisms’ centuries before Christianity. He offered salvation. Through Orpheus, his son, he went to Hell and back and gained the secrets of eternal life. Through his son, Ascleplius, he rose from the dead. Through Dionysus, water was turned to wine. Christians like to distort truth and declare myths were based on biblical tales – when these very tales were recorded long before Christianity cursed Europe. I say ‘cursed’, because that is what it did. There is an area in Sweden where the arrival of Christianity coincides with the erection of mass graves. Why? Because those who would not submit were slaughtered. What ever happened to "Thou shalt not kill," huh? Even today there are certain radical groups who kill homosexuals just for being who they are. Madness, I tell you.

I can't even begin to imagine who gives these idiots the right to think that they are the sole moral custodians of the world. And also what gives them the right to smugly look down upon others and try to “save” their souls by undermining their belief structures. Really now, the truth of the divine does not lie in the pages of man written text, but in that of one’s heart < Learn something, bitches.

Though there are these radicals, I have to concede that there are those few groups that are understanding and allow acceptance of LGBT people within their communities, bless them and their kind. I'm not all that religious myself, in fact I'm atheist, but I at least know a thing or two about the bible to be able to say that condemning and hating on anyone, regardless of their orientation and/or preferences, or whoever they may be, is a sin. Put this in your pipe and smoke it:

Romans 14
New King James Version (NKJV)
The Law of Liberty
1. Receive one who is weak in the faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things.
2 For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables.
3 Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him.
4 Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.
5 One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.
6 He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks.
7 For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself.
8 For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s.
9 For to this end Christ died and rose and lived again, that He might be Lord of both the dead and the living.
10 But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.
11 For it is written:
“As I live, says the Lord,
Every knee shall bow to Me,
And every tongue shall confess to God.”
12 So then each of us shall give account of himself to God.
13 Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way.
The Law of Love
14 I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
15 Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died.
16 Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil;
17 for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
18 For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men.
19 Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.
20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats with offense.
21 It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak.
22 Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves.
23 But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin. 

Why do people care so much? I can understand that if a child, parent, relative or very close friend were to come out, you'd have a vested personal interest, but why do so many people care so much about what complete strangers do relationship-wise? I mean - if my neighbor were to blast his music full volume past midnight, I'd care. If my neighbor were to park his car in my driveway, I'd care. But why would I care if two women move in next door? It's none of your business what and who they are, and to think otherwise is absurd.

Even close friends of mine are super-duper cool about this (seemingly) hot topic:

Sparky:

I don't see things like that and race.. to me humans are humans no matter their preference in sexuality, etc.
To me equality in race, gender and whatever else is important ... your choice in gender when it comes to sex does not make you less of a person.

Monkey:

Personally, I don’t have a problem with their sexual preference, other than that they are still people and shouldn’t be discriminated against because of that. So what goes for me should go for them. As for religious groups, I can’t give a shit about what they think. In all religions it says not to judge, so who the f*** are they to go up-in-arms because it goes against what they believe? Whatever happened to acceptance and tolerance of others? People tend to focus too much on differences instead focusing on stuff that really matter. Just because I’m ‘straight’ doesn’t make me better than them. Except for the one difference, everything else is the same, so why don’t they focus on that instead. I’m not so into the religion thing, because that is between me and my god. People should get over themselves, everyone is unique. And if they open their minds, they would see them for who they are, not their sexual preferences.

It's humanity's need to identify, and subsequently ridicule, some "other." This "other" can be anything, from a different race, or religion, or sexual orientation. By finding some group they can mutually hate, they feel like they belong to a group, and by deriding this other group they are naturally in the "better" one. And they want to be in the "better" group because they are unhappy with themselves, or some similar mindless reasoning. The deep down, basic root of the problem is, in my opinion, really superficial. But it creates a bit of a snowball effect, especially given enough time.

So to these religious nutbags, with their "God Hates Fags" pickets, I'll say: If you believe that your god truly exists and claim to know what s/he's "all about", you must be of the belief that your god is benevolent: which means that your god loves everyone. Benevolence does not equate to hate and descimination, therefore your god loves the fags and you're just a closeminded idiot waving a false banner. Some of you also tend to lean towards "God is unknowable," which is then hypocracy at it's finest when you prance around making assumptions to what your god's will is. Crave attention much? And with the whole "procreation" argument: What of those heterosexual couples that are unable to have children? Infertility? If sex is supposed to have the sole purpose of procreation, why were contraceptives invented? Pills, condoms (male and female varieties), vasectomies, female sterilisations, contraceptive injections, vaginal rings and various other methods to keep a woman from falling pregnant.
The majority of society has just One-Up'd you. Congrats.

In the colourful and diverse spectrum of society, we just have to accept that there will be some stereotypes. We've got the butch "FUCK YEAH POWERTOOLS" lesbian and the twinky "OMG I JUST BROKE A NAIL" gay guys. I think in television shows nowadays, although sometimes they focus too much on the stereotypes, we have a much better mix of shows that say, "Hang on there, yes, there are butch lesbians and twinky gay guys, but we also have masculine gay guys and feminine lesbians." In all honesty, I find stereotypes hilarious, and not just gay and lesbian stereotypes. Any kind of stereotype can be funny; I find that they mock the people who believe in the stereotype more than the stereotype itself.

And lastly, because I like quoting stuff:
Mark Jaquith

10 Reasons why Gay Marriage is Wrong
1. Homosexuality is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still aren’t supposed to marry whites.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if homosexual marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in North America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. 

^^ http://txfx.net/2005/03/18/ten-reasons-why-gay-marriage-is-wrong/comment-page-4/#comment-724784

Seriously, I fell off my chair reading that, just had to put it here. XD

This is me

Good day, 

As the header says – This is me. 

To start off with, as this is my first blog post, I’m going to post some stuff about myself. Some background on who I am. Seems only fair that the readers know who the blogger is. Also, my therapist thinks it’s a good idea to “open up” and tell people about myself, even the bits I’m most hesitant talking about. I hate that dude. He makes it sounds so easy when it most definitely is not. 

Anyway…

As far back as I can remember, there was never a father figure for me and my two siblings (I’m the middle child…Gah!). All the other kids had dads in their lives, where I didn’t. During school events and/or concerts, only my mom would pitch up to show her support, and that (as sad as it sounds) made me think that he didn’t care enough to show up, didn’t care at all that at times when I needed his support he wasn’t there to make me feel less insignificant compared to the kids who had theirs there for them. His presence would have made the world of difference. Or so I thought. I only found out much later that my mom and dad had divorced when I was barely a year old. Understandably, my 9 year old life fell apart, having to find out that the one person whose support I needed back then was an abusive husband and would force himself on my mother throughout their marriage. A few months after the divorce he disowned his children (my older brother and I) so he wouldn’t have to pay child support, be involved in our lives or be reminded that he had children with my mom. It disgusted me at one stage that I had his blood running through my veins and that I may turn out the same way. I battled to keep myself in check then, to not act on anything that would normally anger or upset me, because that would be confirming the adage “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” It’s why I don’t hold grudges for very long; why I’m “mostly” a cheerful person… because I try really hard not to be like the asshole my biological father is (okay, that’s a grudge that’ll never die). 

Sounds really messed up so far, doesn’t it? Not done yet… 

In my primary school years, the constant "you could have done better" in everything I did really screwed up my self-esteem. Confidence was a luxury I didn’t have, as it was gradually being picked off little by little, even though I put my best forward. So I stopped trying to do better, because no matter how high my grades were, my mom wouldn’t acknowledge my efforts in trying to make her proud. I mean, a pat on the back would have been nice every once in a while. This 'stopped trying' is not exactly because I gave up, it's because I realised that no matter how much I improved in my school work, she wouldn't be happy or satisfied with it. My mom had skyscraper expectations, and took it out on me. Not my two brothers... me. For a child between the ages of 8 and 13, that is just a ridiculous amount of pressure. 

I am also reclusive, or introverted, the shy boy, because of my family. The major cause for this lies with my brothers. While I’m talking, they would interrupt me. It didn’t matter what I had to say, nor did it matter that I was answering a question of theirs. Mid-sentence, they would just cut me short and continue chattering among themselves as if I wasn’t part of the discussion. On top of this, my older brother would solve disputes physically, rather than talk things through. I’ll just say I had more bruises back then, than verbal discussion with him. The other cause, though only in small part, would be my mom. She would completely ignore me. I would stand beside her, having told her something and wait for her to say something back, then only after a while she would turn to look at me, albeit with a confused expression, as if she only then saw me standing there. Sure, she'd talk to me on the off occasion, when she needed something, or lectured me to do better at my school work or whatever else. It made me feel like I didn't matter to any of them. That they also didn’t give a damn about me, like that other person did. So I started to withdraw. I was (and still am) a quiet person. It's seldom that I even say a word... Posting messages on forums and message boards, text messaging and talking via an IM application is basically the only way I communicate, or prefer to anyway. 

Then there’s the boys’ technical high school I went to. It was a horrible place, where you had to go day-to-day trying to survive the bullying of the older students. It was relatively safe, but one couldn't just walk around alone without some idiot bullying you. When I got there, my first day of grade 8, the school still had "ontgroening", where the grade 12 students would pick a grade 8 learner to be their “slave”, for lack of a better word. You’d be subjected to all manner of degrading and embarrassing things, of which carrying their bags and/or books beside them was the least humiliating. You'd have a pet rock that you had to carry around and you're told that it's your best friend. You have to talk to it (on some occasions ‘made’ to talk with it by the grade 12 student that was ‘in charge’ of you). You were to care for it, wash it, even to clothe it if your grade 12 student said it’s what your ‘best friend’ wanted. Also, you were supposed to wear black refuse bags over your uniform because they saw you as ‘garbage’ in the school - something that was pointed out to you on a regular basis. During my initiation, I was "ordered" to propose to a grade 12 girl (yes, there were girls in the boys school too) as a joke by my grade 12 student. She rejected the proposal and continued to make fun of me for being of no value to her or anyone else I could later get together with and continued to degrade me in front of the group she was standing with. 

Then, at the end of these initiations, they'd choose a nickname for you, and they weren’t particularly of the “nice” variety. In my grade 8 class, there were two boys who came from the same primary school I did, and to mess with me, they made up outlandish stories of my exploits in the previous school. The stories spread throughout the grade, then the school. Students would avoid me, walk half-moons around me to avoid coming into contact with me. I was alone in that school. With what's been going on in class and in the courtyard, as well as with my mother pressuring me to do better, I shut down and my grades subsequently took a nose-dive for the worst. It was around this time that I also figured out I was different, that I had an attraction to boys instead of girls. So, I hid that from everyone, not wanting to give students more ammo to unload onto me. Around grade 10, I wanted to leave school, to leave all that crap behind me, to start looking toward alternatives like home schooling. My mother was against the idea, so I had to go back to that place. I started writing really dark poetry, really sad and disturbing things. I thought of suicide sometimes, even on how to go through with it. Once, I even tried to, but I can safely say that popping back an entire box of sleeping pills does not work at all. I woke up the next morning as if nothing had changed, had to eat breakfast and get ready for school... again. The other options would have been too painful, that pain along with what I was already going through would have made it intolerable, so I didn't go through with them. However bad things were there, I made it through high school, however battered and scarred with the torment I had to undergo. 

I started working as soon as I got out of school. My mother was a single parent, so I didn't have the prospect of studying after school, to pursue the writing career I wanted, or even to study psychology (for self-diagnosing and self-treatment, then to possibly help others with the same problems). I was stuck with a job that didn't make me happy. Then, at 19, I came out to my brothers. They already knew, my younger brother being leagues more supportive than the other (who just shook his head at me). I went on to come out to my grandparents, who took it really well, and they support me to this day. Then I had to tell my mother. I should admit though, it was not something I looked forward to. I knew how she was - her being indifferent when it came to my problems and her irrational religious views. So I had her sit down, told her that I had something to tell her, though she didn't want to hear it at first. She had “something else to do” and I was busy wasting her time. So I just blurted out that I am gay. She sat there staring at me for a while. I thought she was just taking it all in. She got up and walked over to her bible, picked it up and turned around to face me again. The quiet before the storm, I remember… She went on a rant, that what I am is an abomination in the eyes of her lord; that I am a sinner; I'm a selfish son, putting myself before her, and her lord; That I should rather reconsider my orientation, to spare HER the shame... I told her it's who I am, that I can't change it, and I needed her support. She told me that if that was the case, then I'm not her son as of that moment. She told me to pack my bags and get out of her house. She would have disowned me if my grandmother hadn't stepped in and slapped some sense into her. She came around in the end… though I still get weird looks from time to time. 

At the age of 20, I was in my first relationship. I was somewhat happier than I used to be, though still with the dark cloud of my past looming over me. I kept my past to myself and focused on making my partner happy - making him happy made me happy. Unfortunately, as all things in my miserable life, the happiness didn't last long, when he "found someone else" on my birthday, while we were still going out. Putting an end to a three year relationship. I've made attempts at finding someone else after that, which only failed. Until two years ago. I got acquainted with someone on the social network MXit, he was funny, he was spontaneous and a little weird. We got along remarkably well. We could talk for hours at a time about the simplest everyday thing. It all went great… until it abruptly ended at the beginning of this year. It broke me. A crushing weight came down on me with all the bad things that have happened to me until that day, everything I've been through rushing back into place to trigger all the feelings of hopelessness and the despair and the many other insecurities that have built up over the years. I’m not even going to start on my career path, because that’s one rollercoaster of a fuckup I'm not getting into. 

Going through all this, I knew I needed help. So being the Google Nerd that I am, I started a search for support and advice and came upon a little forum community called Empty Closets. For a week I browsed their support threads looking for things that relate to my story, and although there were some helpful pieces, none of it really struck home for me. So I registered. Approached an Advisor on the member list and told him everything. 

Things are going better now, though there are still times when I feel like hanging myself up in my room with wet toilet paper. I have opened up to some people and have gotten really helpful feedback since then. Where once I would have withdrawn and hid myself behind a mask, now I do not put it on as much. As they say, “old habits die hard,” and for me this is true. It’s not easy. But I try. I will make the best of myself.

And no, this is not a “Pity Party,” so put those cookies away. 

This is just my story. This is me.